Dear Santa, while the reindeer are slayin’ and the carolers are caroling, I would love to throw a snowball at my mailman’s head for driving so fast up my street he could run somebody over…and he makes my dog howl every time too. Or Santa, I plan to prove how naughty or nice I’m am by walking my dog down to my neighbor’s house so Bodhi (my adorable little yorkie-poo) can take a shit on her yard like she allows her dog to do to mine. While I’m at that, I might as well sneak some pot into the this years’ Christmas cookies, I can’t stand my family sober. And lastly, I threw out my back having shower sex with my boyfriend, making it a notoriously difficult task for cutting, taping and wrapping any holiday gifts. And whenever there is a Christmas special or musical, right on queue, a roll of the eyes and a flip of the bird due to the fact that I’m devoid of any sentiment. Can’t you tell I can’t wait til 2016 is over?
Having said all that, I have been a good girl this year. What I would like from you Santa is a medical marijuana card for me (err um, I mean for my back, ouch). I would also like a cancellation of the Kardashian show, an extra season of Scandal (due to Kerry’s pregnancy, no blame), a change of scenery, a new Chanel bag, a luxurious vacation, to see the goddess that is Rihanna, no more crocks or pool slides as shoe trends, and lastly Santa, please, no more super hero movies or remakes! Oh, pretty please no more remakes. Hollywood, you must give us an original idea.
What the hell am I saying?! The red fat guy isn’t the tooth fairy! He can’t grant wishes like a genie nor a leprechaun. There are no elves, stacks of toys, North Pole, or Rudolph. He’s not even real..but if he were, those would be on my wish list.
Ho, ho, ho, or at least that’s what my grandmother called me, lol. Shut up grandma!
Happy Holidays from the frigid ankle bearing Grinchess and scrooge that stole Christmas, Jade
P.s. Trying to avoid cabin fever and desperately failing at it. Got a cure though…lots and lots of alcohol. Deck the halls fa la la la or whatever.